I will never leave you

In five days my best friend would have died a year ago.

I listen to this song and remember the most horrifying night of my whole life. I have been attacked by a drunk women, crushed by a motercycle, had a gun pointed at me and still.... this was the scariest, loneliest night I have ever expirienced. Now this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me and pity my writings. No I would not like that, I just want to reflect on how I am feeling at the moment and show you an amazing healing process both me AND my best friend went threw. My best friend had cancer for a year before he died. He was in pain.... ALOT. Most of the time you couldnt tell but sometimes It was in his face.... pain, his body hurt. But his sould and his heart was more alive than ever. He fought like a beast and prayed like a warrior. He prayed for healing and for faith yes, but he prayed for other people. For his hostpital mates to heal and to walk again. Ian was healed from cancer at the beginging of eighth grade. I rememeber walking into our youth group and him running to me telling me how me was healed, I instantely dropped to my face and cryed and thanked God. We had waited so long, and prayed so hard and he was finally healed! Then Thorn started and my best friend had a seizure which put him into a comma. Yes the cancer was gone from the previous position, but now it was in his brain. My best friend has brian cancer. MINE. I screamed alot, cryed alot, and prayed alot. I went to the hospital alot to. I remember going one night with one of my other best friends savannah, I held his hand and for the first time saw him respond while in his comma. He sqeezed my hand.... hard. I looked at his face. His tired, desperate, peaceful, beautiful face. He was trying so hard to open his eyes, to say something, maybe to say it was going to be alright, maybe God told him something and my best friend wanted me to know.... That is something he would do. Whatever it was it filled my eyes with tears. A week later, he passed away to enter glory. All I remember that morning was I didnt want him to enter glory, I didnt want him to go to heaven, I didnt want him to die. I wanted him with me... so selfish. Practically hateful. He was finally in peace dancing with the father and I wanted him back?!?!?! horrible. but yes I wanted him back. I was told he passed away during lunch at school. I ran out of the room and into the school basement where I found ( to weird surprise) my friends down there crying. They heard too. I couldnt and would not cry. I remember going to our dear friend Jenis house because me and my friend savannah were asked to speak at his funeral so we needed to write out what we were going to say. There we talked alot, Laughed alot, and remembered. I did not cry. That night I was in my basement listening to porclien heart ( barlow girls) and stressing out emmensly over homework. My dad came down stairs and I screamed all my anger and hurt onto him. He looked at me, sat down next to me wrapped his arms around me and that was it..... I bawled. It finally clicked. Ian was gone.... I remember that the only thing I could say for the rest of the night was HES GONE. I didnt care that he was with Jesus or that he wasnt hurting anymore I just wanted my best friend back. I cryed and cryed and cryed that night. I didnt sleep and I remember screaming, but i dont remember why. For the next few months I decided I was done with God. I just didnt care anymore. I reasoned that my hurt was a big enough excuse. So selfish. My pain was no excuse to demanding God to stay away from me. So silly!!! Gods arms were there offereing healing and joy and I said no. I wont ever do that again. Once I finally let God deal with my heart I understood, and appreciated his healing. His full and complete healing. I excepted his neverending invatation to expirience his prescence for the first time in months and it was incredible and lifechaning. He took me out of all my depression and I can only imagine the breathless amount of glory my friend is living in now.I still feel like my friend has been taken away from me in such a way that I can never have him back. I keep feeling like Im waiting for him to walk up to me and tell where the heck he has been. But he was never mine, but fully Gods and I will see him again.Gods healing is abundant and He reminded me that i am NEVER ALONE.

"I will never leave you
I will never forsake you"

I will miss you and I love you Ian. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment