I will never leave you

In five days my best friend would have died a year ago.

I listen to this song and remember the most horrifying night of my whole life. I have been attacked by a drunk women, crushed by a motercycle, had a gun pointed at me and still.... this was the scariest, loneliest night I have ever expirienced. Now this is not to make anyone feel sorry for me and pity my writings. No I would not like that, I just want to reflect on how I am feeling at the moment and show you an amazing healing process both me AND my best friend went threw. My best friend had cancer for a year before he died. He was in pain.... ALOT. Most of the time you couldnt tell but sometimes It was in his face.... pain, his body hurt. But his sould and his heart was more alive than ever. He fought like a beast and prayed like a warrior. He prayed for healing and for faith yes, but he prayed for other people. For his hostpital mates to heal and to walk again. Ian was healed from cancer at the beginging of eighth grade. I rememeber walking into our youth group and him running to me telling me how me was healed, I instantely dropped to my face and cryed and thanked God. We had waited so long, and prayed so hard and he was finally healed! Then Thorn started and my best friend had a seizure which put him into a comma. Yes the cancer was gone from the previous position, but now it was in his brain. My best friend has brian cancer. MINE. I screamed alot, cryed alot, and prayed alot. I went to the hospital alot to. I remember going one night with one of my other best friends savannah, I held his hand and for the first time saw him respond while in his comma. He sqeezed my hand.... hard. I looked at his face. His tired, desperate, peaceful, beautiful face. He was trying so hard to open his eyes, to say something, maybe to say it was going to be alright, maybe God told him something and my best friend wanted me to know.... That is something he would do. Whatever it was it filled my eyes with tears. A week later, he passed away to enter glory. All I remember that morning was I didnt want him to enter glory, I didnt want him to go to heaven, I didnt want him to die. I wanted him with me... so selfish. Practically hateful. He was finally in peace dancing with the father and I wanted him back?!?!?! horrible. but yes I wanted him back. I was told he passed away during lunch at school. I ran out of the room and into the school basement where I found ( to weird surprise) my friends down there crying. They heard too. I couldnt and would not cry. I remember going to our dear friend Jenis house because me and my friend savannah were asked to speak at his funeral so we needed to write out what we were going to say. There we talked alot, Laughed alot, and remembered. I did not cry. That night I was in my basement listening to porclien heart ( barlow girls) and stressing out emmensly over homework. My dad came down stairs and I screamed all my anger and hurt onto him. He looked at me, sat down next to me wrapped his arms around me and that was it..... I bawled. It finally clicked. Ian was gone.... I remember that the only thing I could say for the rest of the night was HES GONE. I didnt care that he was with Jesus or that he wasnt hurting anymore I just wanted my best friend back. I cryed and cryed and cryed that night. I didnt sleep and I remember screaming, but i dont remember why. For the next few months I decided I was done with God. I just didnt care anymore. I reasoned that my hurt was a big enough excuse. So selfish. My pain was no excuse to demanding God to stay away from me. So silly!!! Gods arms were there offereing healing and joy and I said no. I wont ever do that again. Once I finally let God deal with my heart I understood, and appreciated his healing. His full and complete healing. I excepted his neverending invatation to expirience his prescence for the first time in months and it was incredible and lifechaning. He took me out of all my depression and I can only imagine the breathless amount of glory my friend is living in now.I still feel like my friend has been taken away from me in such a way that I can never have him back. I keep feeling like Im waiting for him to walk up to me and tell where the heck he has been. But he was never mine, but fully Gods and I will see him again.Gods healing is abundant and He reminded me that i am NEVER ALONE.

"I will never leave you
I will never forsake you"

I will miss you and I love you Ian. :)


So Close

I got my hair cut last night :) I love it, for me it looks a ton different and I just really needed that change. :)
Now im just gonna cut to the chase.
I need another kind of change, I need a holy moment. I need to feel the presence of God surrounding and consuming, overwhelming me!
_tag is tonight and Im sooo excited. I wont take distractions and I wont be denided from his prescence.
I was at yellow tribe last sunday night and Matt talked about how most of the time
we beg God for the flood.
We beg him to break open the heavens and rain down the flood.
but what does a flood do? It mauls down and destroys everything in its path. We need that sometimes.
Sometimes we just need our whoel hearts, and minds, and bodies to be wrecked before the Lord.
But not this time. No what I really want is a sprinkle, a refresh, I just want to dwell in the sprinkle of his all consuming, cause that even to me will feel like a down pour. Im just wanting to linger in his presecence. I want my mind and heart to be renewed. I want to feel close to him again.
I have done nothing wrong lately, or ignored God, or straid from his path in any huge way that makes it hard for me to come back.
I have simply become content at where my life is and now I have become hungry.
Now I want to be shaken up, and I want to feel close to him again. I want his CLOSENESS.
Not just tonight though, no. I want that everyday. I want everday to walk in his radical presence. Its the greatess feeling in the world to be with him is it not?
No it is the greatest feeling ever. And tonight Im asking to be shaken, for my heart to be stirred, to feel his closeness, and to witness a miracle.
Because feeling him move is a miracle in itself.
God is NEVER so far away that we cannot reach him, he is just so incredibly close that sometimes we just miss him.



I love days like this, days where its just me and God. I saw a book laying on my bookshelf called Passion and Purity and started skimming through it. I would like to share with you a few pages from it that I liked alot.

" Through affairs of the heart God uncovers our true intentions: [...whether or not it ws in your heart to keep his commandments. He humbled you and made you hungry; then he fed you manna.] So it is with us. We're created men and women. If Adam needed Eve and she was made for him, isnt it natrual then, isnt it all together fitting and proper, that men and women would hunger for each other? It is natural indeed. However, its not the only thing God has in mind for us. We are not meant to live merely by what is natural. We need to learn to live by the supernatural. Ordinary fare will not fill the emptiness in our hearts.Bread will not suffice. We need extraordinary fare. We need manna. How else will we learn to eat it, if we are never hungry? How will we educate our taste for heavenly things if we are surfeited with earthly? Sex, lust, and this generational definition of "love", will not suffice any more than bread will. My heart was saying, " Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.." The Lord was answering "I must teach you to long for something better. He fed on manna which neither you not your fathers had known before, to teach you that man cannot live on bread alone but lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Wow......... right?
Lord teach us to long for things that are better. Never let me settle for bread, but give me your strength to wait and perservere for the manna. I have much to learn. And I want God to train me and discipline my heart for what greater is to come.
Jesus is saying to me what he said to his disciples. "There is still much I could say to you but the burden would be too great for you now." Sigh.
So I will wait and delight my whole self in each and every word that comes from the mouth of the father. I want to become the women he has designed me to be. I want to be a " Imperishable ornament,a gentle, an wuiet spirit, in the sight of God." I offer all I am to him, for him to mold me into who he wants me to be, only he can take this water and dust and turn it into fine jewles for his glroy. I am not strong in myself, I have not always known that either. But this is my prayer.....
For all my fear, Lord- your strength
For all my temptaion- your strength
For all my longings for the flesh- your strength

Good Day.


A Doctor Yes..... But Still So Much More

There is a man. He is a doctor.
He heals people. Hes a genius doctor, I mean he heals eyes, and broken bones, and brains too!
But whats really odd and special about this
doctor is that he can heal hearts too, yes in the physical sense but in the emotional,
and spiritual sense as well. He heals fears and scars, and depressions, and faults, and he can make you all better. This doctor has a message.
He loves you. He loves me too. He wants to take a look at you, to talk to you, to get to know
you a little better. Now dont be decieved, every doctor has there bluffs. This doctor ALREADY
knows you. He knows what hurts before you even step into his office. He knows exactely how
many hairs that are on your heard, he knows your weight and your height, he has no sin scale....
the nurse never needs to see if you are healthy enough or sick enough, the doctor wants to heal you. Everyone needs healing. This doctor ALREADY knows your eye color, your last name, your favorite drink, your boyfriends name, your gavorite converse, your passions, your desires, your birth marks, your addictions..... he knows it all. :) He just wants to talk.
To heal you. And teach you how to stay healthy. He wants you to get to know him too.

Then he will not always be a doctor to you. You will discover he is much more. :)

You will find out that he is sweet and sensitive. Powerful and Strong. And that he is the king of kings and Lord of all Lords and that he holds your entire world in his hand. He delights in you and everything he has made you to be. He is your creator. Your lover. Your father. And your relentless.
He has been pursueing you to win your heart from the very first day you were thought of in his mind. He comes to woe your heart with the night sky, the rolling waves, the magestic mountains, the soft snow, smiling faces, sweet songs, and courage for you to know that you are never alone.



I wish I was a better writer. I have so much on my mind and so much on my heart that i dont want to just type down and leave it, but i want to craft the words to sound beautiful. To form my true thoughts and emotions on this blog space the way i feel them. but... i will try the best i can right now.
It has taken me awhile to construct this blog. I keep saving it to my drafts because I dont know what im really writing about.
Does anyone else share the same love for being onstage. Its easier up there...
Isnt it? Eyes closed, I feel like its easier to breath. I dont get nervous when Im onstage in front of people.... ever. I like it. I like singing too. I sing all the time, just throwing sound around but when I really concentrate on my vowels and consanants and the meaning of the words flowing from my lips its new. Its the most amazing feeling. I would want to that forever. If I could eat singing, fall asleep singing, breathe it I would. Its the easiest and one of the most natural things in the world. But what if I sang loud enough for people to hear me?
Now. The people I live with would say that I most defenitely sing lound enough. But I meant.... what if my words made a difference. What if my voice made other people want to sing?
What could happen? Would people start there own melodys? Or sing along with me. I dont want to just drift threw life, I wanna make waves. I wanna sing, ALOT, and I wanna be happy, but not just happy all by myself. I want the whole world to see it. :)